


Life Cycle Of Cabbages: A LOVE STORY

by Abraxas (Qlippoth)



Series: Warped & Disturbed Avatar:TLA Crack Fic [11]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Crack, Don't Like Don't Read, Metafiction, Over the Top, Twisted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:54:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22412086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qlippoth/pseuds/Abraxas
Summary: A strange, twisted tale about a fake Avatar story and the people forced ? to read it. Part of my Warped & Disturbed Crack Fic Series; please see series description and heed the warnings!
Series: Warped & Disturbed Avatar:TLA Crack Fic [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1612828





	Life Cycle Of Cabbages: A LOVE STORY

**Author's Note:**

> People often wonder if the story being MST3K'ed is real - it isn't - it's totally a stream of consciousness attempt to channel the works of ComicsNix.
> 
> I'd say this is more of a satire / parody of sites that used to MST3K fanfiction; Topless Robot and it's editor, Rob Bricken, were definite inspirations for this - as you're about to see!

Originally Published June 19, 2010

* * *

It was another lazy Friday when I tuned into ToplessRobot. I heard that Rob found a great FFF candidate that wasn't a ComixNix joint and I wanted to see what it could be. The website loaded like a Snarf trying to drop a load - and as the content trickled into view line by line I was teased into frustration by headlines touting 'The Top 10 Reasons Superman/Batman Slash is Gay' and the next, certain-to-be-doomed project of Josh Wheedon involving a group of comely librarian type girls and a banana.

Either Rob finally went nuts or the dude was trying to be sorry after unleashing a truly putrid FFF entry. 

When I found the link I clicked it immediately without reading the title or looking at the picture. A minute later the entire entry was loaded, cocked and ready to blow. I could not believe my eyes yet like a bitch to self-loathing I devoured each and every word of what followed. It was, to be blunt, a trainwreck of language, story and just about everything. I started to wonder about my sanity, about the future of humanity, and whether or not the world would be normal again.

"The Cabbage Man Stars in 'Life Cycle of Cabbages: A LOVE STORY'," was the title of the piece beneath it showed a caption of the Cabbage Man (lovingly) caressing a cabbage.

"We all know the Cabbage Man (of Avatar fame) is very much devoted to his cabbages. He puts a lot of love and care growing them, harvesting them and selling them to the people of the Avatar-verse. Just the way he cries 'my cabbages' every time the gang demolishes his store/stand-thing makes it absolutely clear those vegetables are like children. Indeed, he complained that the gang was not given death when the King of Omashu 'punished' the kids for their misdeeds. Leave it MaroKiito, however, to reveal just how much, how deeply, how obsessively the Cabbage Man is into vegetables. And everything about them. No - don't even try to prepare yourselves for revelations about to be revealed...."

A love story between the man and produce? The internet is a source of wonder eternal! I could not wait.

"Let me quote the first paragraph verbatim:"

_It started before the Cabbage Man was the Cabbage Man, when he was the Cabbage Boy. Actually, before he even was the Cabbage Boy, when he was just Boy. He lived in the family farm with his father and mother and sisters. Then one day when his father was too busy teaching his daughters about the male ejaculation orgasm the little no name boy was walking around the felds all by himself. All of a sudden there was this terrible smell and sound thing and he thought he stepped into a pile of shit but instead he backed into the ass of a cow. His face was shitty and smelly but he didn't think about wiping it. Insead he nnoticed these littel green flecks in the shit and wondered what they were and where they came from. So he watched the cow- it was eating the cabbages! Somehow someway the cabbage on one end of the cow got chewed up and stuff and became the shit at the other end of the cow. It was so fucking magical he was hooked. For days and days he watched the cow eating the cabbages and when his sisters weren't molesting his penis he'd poke it into the cowshit and looked at the little flecks of green that remained ot the cabbages. He took a whole bunch of them and tried to put them together to make a shitted cabbage but the parts were all messed up and shit and he never got more than a few round mounds. Soon he was eating cabbages himself and sifting through his own shit but there barely any green left in it._

"OK - did you get all of that? I think the most disturbing part of that paragraph is that each sentence starts properly capitalized. I mean, there's no spell-checking or grammar-checking but the guy went out of the way to make sure the sentences were capitalized and punctuated. It just makes it 123x worse that way."

"That aside - let's just break this paragraph up into littel flecks of paragraph, OK?"

_It started before the Cabbage Man was the Cabbage Man, when he was the Cabbage Boy. Actually, before he even was the Cabbage Boy, when he was just Boy. He lived in the family farm with his father and mother and sisters._

"OK, that part wasn't so bad - it's like the start of a fairy tale. A very fucked up and scary as shit fairy tale. And then you just know SOMETHING is going to happen, am I right?"

_Then one day when his father was too busy teaching his daughters about the male ejaculation orgasm...._

"WTF?"

 _All of a sudden there was this terrible smell and sound thing and he thought he stepped into a pile of shit but instead he backed into the ass of a cow_.

"In what fucked up universe is it possible to confuse stepping into a pile of shit with crashing into the ass of a cow? The first involves feet walking about. The second involves a face getting fucking crashed into the ass of a cow. WTF? Er, but that's the least of the troubles...."

_His face was shitty and smelly but he didn't think about wiping it. Insead he nnoticed these littel green flecks in the shit and wondered what they were and where they came fsrom._

"Did you get that? His face was all shitty and smelly but he didn't think about wiping it. I guess because in the world that no name boy inhabits (a world where girls get taught about the wonders of male ejaculation orgasm) it's perfectly OK for your face to be smelly and shitty on account that it just crashed into the ass of a cow. Then, of course, the normality of that is totally and epicly contrasted with the boy's wonderment that there would be, you know, green things in the shit of a cow that, you know, eats green stuff. I guess the father was too busy teaching the girls about MALE EJACULATION ORGASM to show the boy the basics about eating and pooping."

 _So he watched the cow- it was eating the cabbages_!

"NO SHIT SHERLOCK!"

_Somehow someway the cabbage on one end of the cow got chewed up and stuff and became the shit at the other end of the cow. It was so fucking magical he was hooked. For days and days he watched the cow eating the cabbages and when his sisters weren't molesting his penis he'd poke it into the cowshit and looked at the little flecks of green that remained ot the cabbages._

"How the fuck do you even begin to make sense of this epicness? So the kid figures out that if you eat green stuff at one end, you shit green stuff at the other end. OK, fine, I guess there comes a time in every smelly-shit-faced kid's life when he/she learns the obvious. OK, I got that. But what kind of kid watches cows as they eat and shit, 'hooked'. And then POKES HIS PENIS INTO THE COWSHIT! It's not just devotion. It's not just love. It's FFF!"

_He took a whole bunch of them and tried to put them together to make a shitted cabbage but the parts were all messed up and shit and he never got more than a few round mounds. Soon he was eating cabbages himself and sifting through his own shit but there barely any green left in it._

"OMFG! I don't get it. He lives in a farm where his sisters MOLEST HIS PENIS and he's so bored and lonely that he collects cow shit as a hobby. No, oh if it were just collecting it ... because he's so bored and lonely that he's SIFTING THROUGH THE SHIT, COLLECTING THE BITS AND PIECES OF CABBAGE and TRIES TO CREATE A CABBAGE OUT OF IT. When that's not enough to peak his curiosity ... he turns to eating and shitting cabbages himself. I need a drink ... and I just want to skip the next few paragraphs already ... but if I did look at what you would be missing:"

_He shoved his face into the cow's anus as a glob of shit spewed out withs such forece it flew through his nose. "I CAN SEE FOREVER!" he sceamed._

"There. Are. No. Words. I want to believe there's a hidden secret meaning to the abomination that is this story. I really, truly want to believe there's a purpose to everything even the dreck that happens. Because ... the thought that human being put those words together and made a character stick his head in a cow's ass and say THAT ... just for the LOLZ ... it makes me want to punch a baby."

"If only the travesty ended there...."

Ever since he had his head up the cow's ass he was obsessed with cabbages - actually, with the act of eating and shitting cabbages. It was an obsession tht he simlpy had to share with everybody. And the best easy way woudl be through selling them cabbages. That way the'd eat it and he'd go to sleep happy and with erection at the thought that people were chewing his cabbage and shitting it out. He felt like it was better than sex to be eating and sitting at once.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD.... I also want to believe English is not the author's native language but I dare say that's not even the start of the problem. So, oh boy oh boy, no name bow is not Cabbage Man who SLEEPS WITH ERECTION fantasizing about people eating and shitting his produce. I HAVE STUCK MY HEAD INTO THIS FANFIC AND I HAVE SEEN FOREVER!"

 _Then one day everything changed_!

"The end is no where near in sight BTW."

_He was out selling his cabbages when a group of kids trompled on his stand and destroyed his cabbages. They stomped all over them turning them into cabbage foot salad. He was upset until he saw the girl. Not the baldheaded girl, it was the magicals native girl how made his cock twitch just like mommy used to. The way she just stomped on his cabbages!Tthe way her feet turned his crisp, fresh cabbages into mush. They way she did it like she did not even care...._

"What I ... love ... are those little bits and pieces of detail, like the littel green flecks of cabbage in the shit, that reveal so much with so few words. Katara makes his cock twitch 'LIKE MOMMY USED TO'. I guess she was teaching the boy about FEMALE EJACULATION ORGASM? But why, exactly, does Katara get him so excited when she's nighter a cow's ass nor shit? Ah - because she's crushing his cabbages like she doesn't care! When did this become an S&M snuff fic? Just what did mommie do to this poor kid? Why am I asking these questions - OH GOD LOOK AT MY LIFE!"

"And then, just when you thought it was safe...."

_He looked at his cok and said "I found you a new mommie!"_

"Who'll promptly proceed to crush you - er - turn you into foot salad like she doesn't even care. Bitch! Now, hold onto yourselves and your cabbages, it's time for Paragraph of Doom, 2, Revenge of the Wordz!"

_The cabbage man wanted that girl! He wanted that young pretty face with those drop dead blue eyes. He wanted to rub his hands all over her face and into her boobs and pressed her lips, smother her head against his pubes and make her lick. He lay in bed, a cabbage between his legs, thinking about that girl and her girl body and his boy parts invading her body with his hardness which was growing like hell as he thought about the girl. It got so intense he used the cabbage as a sex aid, speaking his dick through it which was gently hugged by its loving folds of leafy green. He stroked it up and down his shaft as he thought of the girl with the dark, smooth skin and those eyes looking up at him as she pulled his cock out of her mouth. "Oh oh oh, you girl ... stopm on my cabbages!" he shouted as he grinded in to the cabbage with such frenzy that it all just fell apart and then he came adding a little spice sauce/dressing to the salad that was growing between his legs. He grabbed a cucumber and repeated._

"It gives new meaning to Caesar Salad. I think the best part is when he grabs a cucumber and repeats. Exactly how, though ... ah, gods, my mind is in the gutter. Or at the bottom of the Cabbage Man's salad bar. I got to admit it though never thought of a cabbage as a sex toy like that but then the author's already used it as a metaphor for the Cabbage Man's genitals so WTF I guess. Oh, god, do I have to read what happens next? Because it can't all be about the Cabbage Man's CABBAGE PENIS. His number one obsession, beyond adding his spice to salads, is...."

_But more important that the lewd secks he wanted to explore with the girl ... mmuch much more important than that ... was the life cycle of a cabbage. He wanted to show the girl the life cycle of a cabbage and that mean everything it went through. He planned on making her stomp all over his cabbages just like she and her friends always did. Except that he wanted to eat the leftovers in front of her face. Yes, he wanted to eat, to actually really eat the crud that her naked feet stomped all over to give htier own exotic water tribe spice to the lettuce. And then he'd press her pussy all over and around his stomach while he digested it. And then he'd sit on her face, with her noce between his cheeks and fart the cabbage gas into her. And then when that was done he wanted to shit all over her face to complete, you know, the life cycle of a cabbage._

"I'm sorry, I ran out of words after EXOTIC WATER TRIBE SPICE and then I puked. And then my mind erased what I was going to say. And then I shoved my penis into a wall socket to end it all but I'm still here god damn it...."

"Bonus points for secks ... I don't know why."

_This fantasty of sex and smearing the girl with his waste was so great that he followed the girl all over the world just to expereince the orgasm high and wet his pants when ever she and her friends ruined the cabbages. He swore he got so fucking hard watching the girls and her friends but especially the girl turn his stand into a fucking salade with their fucking feet. It was like their feet threw up all of this vegetabales. And just the sight of them crushing and squishing and squashing and turning the fvegtabales into something that looked like puke got him so fucking hard that he didn't need to stroke to cum. "My cabbages!" he always yelled out as as he came inside of thie pants. It was that fucking intense._

"All I can do is nod at this point with agreement. What is the obsession with the feet? We barely saw their feet! And turning his produce into a quivering pile of crushed squished squashed puke - is that some kind of metaphor for orgasm? I'm looking at the window in my office and I'm cursing THAT IT'S NOT HIGH ENOUGH!"

 _But he thought he'd never geth the chance to actually do it all until that day in ba sing se when she and that water tribe boy were alone looking for the flying kids fuck buddy_.

"Really? You thought you'd never get the chance? Really?"

 _It was real easy koncing the boy out he just disrobed and the site of his cock made the boy puke until he fainted and then he landed into the pool of his own vomit where he passed out and died_.

"I ... I actually envy the water tribe boy. I wouldn't mind seeing the Cabbage Man's penis if it meant NOT FINISHING THIS STORY!"

 _And the girl was like oh no it's the cabbage man help but a well-placed chunk of cucumber in her yap really shut her up_.

"I will never touch a salad ever ever ever again. It's bad enough that cucumbers always reminded me of PENIS. Now I know it'll remind me of this story."

 _So while her ebrother was dying he yanked her behind his stand and pelted her head with cabbages until she agreed to be face fucking raped_.

"FACE FUCKING RAPED? Is that anything like what's happening to me now?"

_He munched on the cabbage that he dipped into the boy's puke and dunked between her bobbies while she just cowered. And then he shoved his cock into her mouth. And then he crushed the cabbage until it was just a bunch of goop and he got so hard that he shot his load in to her mouth and it was so fucking intense that he farted like shit was about to explode out of his ass._

"Sure, OK, I see it. Let's just pretend that Katara isn't Katara for a minute. I mean it's not like the author remembered it's the Avatar universe. But can it get worse, you'll ask, and I answer - yes...."

_And then he sat on her face and layded the buggest fucking turn he ever shat. And then he smeared it all over her face and body. And then he spread her vagina lips and swatted and pooped into her vagina and pushed it all inside with a carrot. And then he spun her and poked his cock into her ass and peed so much it started to leak out before he finished._

"Guys, I don't even know where to begin. I read that like three times and it's just totally unreal. I feel like I've been drugged with some sort of morphine/opium shit like I was Poe or something. In the real world, of course, no body actually wrote a paragraph like that, right? I mean ... no body actually, really, actually uses carrots like that. Now - that he finally acted out the fantasy of his wet salad dreams, you figure, ah, Rob, the story's over. No. The story's NOT over."

 _Anyway that was the story the cabbage man told jet when they were together in prison in ba sing se after the dailee captured him and tortuted him by stomping his cabbages all over his cock and balls_.

"Whoa! So it was all in the Cabbage Man's head? And why all of a sudden is stomping on his produce torture? And why am I taking this so god damn seriously?"

 _Fo course they didn't know that he got off on shit like that and actually stained Azulas' dress form across the room with his massive cum load_.

"Ah, OK, at least we're back to what passes as normal."

 _She got so upset that she set his penis on fire_.

"It couldn't be worse than what mommie already did to it."

_It was now a filty shriveled snakey noodle thing with freaky scales. Nnobody wanted to go near and whenvever he peed the shut just leaked out of a thousand holes. He had toshove a carrot up his ass to masturbate._

"The loving, caring detail given to such descriptions!"

_Everyone pretty much got tired of the shit he was talking about and then they made him live without seeing his cabbages which was like so much torture that he wetn mad but kept thinking about cabbages and shut like that. Eventually the sicty was liberated and he was freed and everything mostly because no body knew anything about this fantasties about sidewalk salads._

"If I shoved my head into the blades of a lawn mower will I see forever too?"

_The cabageman met up with a guy from the fire nation who was out looking for the story of the avatar. He remembered all about the flying boy while he sucking a carot out of the writer's ass. The play he made was nothing like the story he was told though._

"Well it's nice to know that after getting serviced with a carrot that the writer changed everything about THAT FUCKING CRAZY STORY SHIT."

_He never forgot his south water tribe bueaty/toilet girl then spent the rest of his life tying to find her again to finish what he started the romantic night in ba sing se. But it was quest made in vain and he settled for peeing on girl's head from the roof of his house._

"A sensible substitute after all."

_When he wasn't showing guests the inside of his gest hallways which was were he displaying his loving relics of the cabbage life cycle. There was even a girl, painted up with his cabbage shit with a funnel and cabbage shit in hhe cunt and pee coming out of the ass. Everyone wanted to get their picture taken with that prompt that they didn'd tknow was a real._

"I'm sorry, where was I again? I guess I shouldn't be chatting with my therapist while reading FFF candidates. The alcohol, though, is a must. Whoa, what the fuck was that I missed, beauty/toilet girl? I got to put you on hold, Dr. Curved-Slightly, I need a bigger bottle."

_In the daytime he ran around the village going "Avatards! This is my carot costume, do you like it? It's big and long and orange!"_

"That's just insane ... sorry but the believability of this fanfic is fail now. k. thnx."

_But at night as he was making salade between his legs. He was always like "You water tribe girl crush my cabbages! Crush them good! Now let me shit in your pussy!"_

"Making salade between his legs. MAKING SALDE BETWEEN HIS LEGS. MAKING. SALADE. BETWEEN. HIS. LEGS. There are no words...."

_"Avatards! Stomp of my cagbage now bitches!"_

"It's like ... I donno ... romantic? And with that lovely thought today's FFF is over. I'll be out of touch for a bit ... seeing as I'll be hammering a nail into concrete with my skull. Thank you. No, you're too kind."

I just sat and stared at my computer as the words and the reality behind the words sunk into my skull. I don't know how long I remained there sitting like that. Maybe a minute? Maybe an hour? All I know is that little by little I came out of that state, more scared and afraid at the sorry state of humanity than I was before I started to read the FFF. 

I looked about my bedroom trying to find something to comfort me in my hour of need. Instead I discovered the salad I almost ate yesterday. I chucked it out of the window. It may or may not have hit a girl on the head. Somebody yelled 'It's a salad' and I crawled into a tight fetal position, tears streaming my cheeks.

I only eat meat now.


End file.
